Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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