I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
