he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
