Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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