i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
