My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
