I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize