Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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