Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
