i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
