I think I died a long time ago.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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