she woke up with a sticky ear
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
