It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
