Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
