I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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