If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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