woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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