Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
