yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
