and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize