Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
