dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
