The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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