I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
