We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
