instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize