I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
