i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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