So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
