Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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