she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
