I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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