its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize