dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
