My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
