Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
