is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
