Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
