I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
