WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
