The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
