yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
