I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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