it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
