Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
