There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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