So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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