And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
