I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
