just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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