Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
