god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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