Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
