Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
