Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
