What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
BRING THE BAGELS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize