That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
