i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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